I am NEVER this open. Ever. But I think that our society likes to bury grief because it's ugly and uncomfortable. We don't know how to process it, and treat it as a piece of gum stuck to the bottom of our shoe that we just want the hell off. So, this is what is on my heart and in my head today. If you have a friend that is hurting, just be there for them. You don't even have to talk or feel pressure to say "the right thing." Just be.
Here is a peek inside of my 7 year old wound...
I was getting off of I35 and onto 1604 in San Antonio when my cell phone rang. I grumbled at my phone - who could possibly be calling when I was exiting on that curvy beast of an exit? I saw the caller ID and smiled.
Me: Hey Daddy!
Him: Are you almost home, little girl?
Me: Yessir. I have about 45 minutes left. (It took me 6 hours to drive from his front door to mine.)
Him: Ok, I just wanted to check on you...it was good to see you...maybe when you come up for Thanksgiving we can go to the boats?
Me: It was good to see you too, Daddy! Of course we can go to the boats! I'm looking forward to it!
Him: I'll let you go so you can concentrate on driving. Be sure to buy Sissy dog a bone with some of your WAM. (Walking Around Money)
Me: Ok Daddy, I will. I'll talk to you soon! I love you!
Him: I love you, too, angel. Bye bye.
Me: Bye Daddy.
That is the last time I ever talked to him. You see, I had gone up for a visit at the end of August in 2010. My Daddy was very ill by that time. He had COPD and had done very little to halt its progress. He hated doctors and was a stubborn as a mule. I knew for a fact that he wasn't remotely well enough to go to the boats (the boats is Texas speak for the casinos in Louisiana). But, that was one of his very favorite things to do. This time, I didn't argue with him or tell him that he needed to get better so he would feel like making the trip like I usually did. I just agreed with him. I lied. I think part of me knew.
Not too long after that, I was in my kitchen in Bandera cooking dinner for Robert when my sister called. My Daddy was gone.
Some days, I'm fine.
Losing your Daddy at the ripe old age of 33 is hard. It's even harder when you don't really have anyone to talk to about it. My family has never been huge on talking things out you see. Instead, you suck it up, slap a smile on your face, and you move on.
Some days, nothing will do to keep the smile in place.
Today is one of those days. You see, my Daddy's birthday is today. And I can't bake him a ridiculous coconut cake or oatmeal raisin cookies or give him a silly card or hug him or tell him I love him or any of those things. For whatever reason, today is hitting me a lot harder than usual. My TimeHop is evidence that in the past, I've celebrated the fact that he shared a birthday with Dr. Seuss and also with Texas Independence Day. There's no celebration in me today. Maybe it's because I've been home alone all week with my thoughts. Maybe it's because I'm approaching a milestone birthday. Who knows. Hell, I'm no psychiatrist.
I guess I said all of that to say this: If you still have the awesome privilege of having your daddy around, please go hug him for me. Tell him you love him.
And if you've lost your daddy, please know that I understand. Some days are ok and you smile or laugh at a passing memory. Then there are the days that you cry for any and every reason. Both of these are perfectly ok.
Grief is in fact a nasty animal. You think it's all cool and just chilling in the corner, then it comes at you full force and flattens you smooth out. I think you have to give yourself days to mourn and cry it out. Today is my day for that.
"The trouble is, you think you have time." Buddha
You do not have time, my friends. Seize every single second that you're given because I assure you that it is a gift.
Love to you always...and I truly do love you.
Sunny
Thursday, March 2, 2017
Saturday, February 4, 2017
Nostalgia is a Creeper
"Baby's just a little bit tired of the city - billboards and bullshit got her down"
If you know anything at all about me, you probably know that I love this song. What you may or may not know is that I sing it sometimes. Loudly...and perhaps a bit off key! All of my singing shenanigans are neither here nor there.
My shower thoughts the other day seemed to plow a bit deeper than usual. What? Don't you do your best thinking in the shower?? Anyway, I think maybe my pending "big" birthday may be influencing my thoughts. My age is starting to be more influential in my daily life at this point. I was listening to Roger Creager radio on Pandora while I showered. The station seemed to be on a Sunny style roll that morning. It was a regular trip down memory lane! I was actually kind of enjoying my bad singing and shower dancing, then it hit me. Nostalgia. Ew.
Now don't get me wrong. I think that looking back occasionally isn't necessarily a bad thing as it is a good reminder of where we came from and a great way to notice and appreciate growth. But I also think that we should be cautious about how far we dive into the way back pool. At some point, even the best swimmer will likely drown. Thankfully, I'm a pretty damned strong swimmer! I let my mind walk down memory lane. The tiny portion of my life when I lived in Bandera came back to me. I started yearning for "old times." Then something interesting happened. The clouds started to rear their ugly heads on the horizon. I'd ventured past Bandera into my very own twilight zone.
So what in the hell caused this exactly? I'm not sure. I started missing going to the concerts and the long weekends spent with friends. I thought about the huge hair and the hours spent getting all dolled up to go out on the town. My silly soul missed the fun parts. My mind however remembered something bigger...the ugly, nasty truth. I started reviewing in great detail why funville is no longer where I choose to live my life. No amount of fun can make up for things like self doubt, pretty-on-the-outside relationships, and being lied to and cheated on. Turns out, the fun wasn't all that fun and was actually just a convenient cover for a pretty miserable existence! I didn't like who I was or where I was for that matter!
"Yeah, everybody gotta get away sometime - forget about yourself for a while." For a brief moment, I did just that. I got away. I took a little mental trip. And boy am I glad I did! It gave me a chance to see how very much I've grown! "Sometimes you've got to grab the world with your own two hands - set it spinning off on a course all your own." Have. I. Ever. First, I moved. Across the state. Then, across the country. Know what's cool about taking off and leaving all of the broken bits behind? You gain a completely fresh perspective. You try new things. You GROW!
My life now...man, my life now!! I'm happy. Wait - did you read that? I'M HAPPY! Is my life perfect? Nope! And I absolutely don't give a damn about perfection. Do I whine sometimes? Yep. But, I no longer doubt my every move. I jumped out a window and went back to school - for me! I was brave! I no longer wast my time constantly worrying about another human being's next move and how I will counter said move. That is exhausting work! These days, I go to bed every night with a smile on my face because I've been laughing about something silly with the love of my life. My "fun" looks so amazingly different now and I wouldn't trade a single second of it for anything in the world! I know that I'm loved and I'm safe. And you want to know the coolest part? I'm the one that set my life on the course that it's on. Me. I did it. Just for me!
"Lay your whole life on a shelf - got no one to blame but your own damned self." For a very, very long time I sang those words without realizing how very true they are. It matters very little what is going on in this world as a whole. What matters a lot is what you choose to do with this one life that you've been given. Nobody is responsible for your happiness except for you. Other people and experiences help to enhance our lives. I can't imagine how dull my life would be without my people! The thing is that at the end of the day, if you depend on someone or something to make you happy you are setting yourself up for some pretty great disappointments! Find what makes you happy and do that thing! It could be traveling the world, campaigning for a cause that is dear to your heart, or simply settling into your peaceful little life. You do you.
Now, in the words of the one and only Pat Green - Carry On!
Love to you always,
Sunny
If you know anything at all about me, you probably know that I love this song. What you may or may not know is that I sing it sometimes. Loudly...and perhaps a bit off key! All of my singing shenanigans are neither here nor there.
My shower thoughts the other day seemed to plow a bit deeper than usual. What? Don't you do your best thinking in the shower?? Anyway, I think maybe my pending "big" birthday may be influencing my thoughts. My age is starting to be more influential in my daily life at this point. I was listening to Roger Creager radio on Pandora while I showered. The station seemed to be on a Sunny style roll that morning. It was a regular trip down memory lane! I was actually kind of enjoying my bad singing and shower dancing, then it hit me. Nostalgia. Ew.
Now don't get me wrong. I think that looking back occasionally isn't necessarily a bad thing as it is a good reminder of where we came from and a great way to notice and appreciate growth. But I also think that we should be cautious about how far we dive into the way back pool. At some point, even the best swimmer will likely drown. Thankfully, I'm a pretty damned strong swimmer! I let my mind walk down memory lane. The tiny portion of my life when I lived in Bandera came back to me. I started yearning for "old times." Then something interesting happened. The clouds started to rear their ugly heads on the horizon. I'd ventured past Bandera into my very own twilight zone.
So what in the hell caused this exactly? I'm not sure. I started missing going to the concerts and the long weekends spent with friends. I thought about the huge hair and the hours spent getting all dolled up to go out on the town. My silly soul missed the fun parts. My mind however remembered something bigger...the ugly, nasty truth. I started reviewing in great detail why funville is no longer where I choose to live my life. No amount of fun can make up for things like self doubt, pretty-on-the-outside relationships, and being lied to and cheated on. Turns out, the fun wasn't all that fun and was actually just a convenient cover for a pretty miserable existence! I didn't like who I was or where I was for that matter!
"Yeah, everybody gotta get away sometime - forget about yourself for a while." For a brief moment, I did just that. I got away. I took a little mental trip. And boy am I glad I did! It gave me a chance to see how very much I've grown! "Sometimes you've got to grab the world with your own two hands - set it spinning off on a course all your own." Have. I. Ever. First, I moved. Across the state. Then, across the country. Know what's cool about taking off and leaving all of the broken bits behind? You gain a completely fresh perspective. You try new things. You GROW!
My life now...man, my life now!! I'm happy. Wait - did you read that? I'M HAPPY! Is my life perfect? Nope! And I absolutely don't give a damn about perfection. Do I whine sometimes? Yep. But, I no longer doubt my every move. I jumped out a window and went back to school - for me! I was brave! I no longer wast my time constantly worrying about another human being's next move and how I will counter said move. That is exhausting work! These days, I go to bed every night with a smile on my face because I've been laughing about something silly with the love of my life. My "fun" looks so amazingly different now and I wouldn't trade a single second of it for anything in the world! I know that I'm loved and I'm safe. And you want to know the coolest part? I'm the one that set my life on the course that it's on. Me. I did it. Just for me!
"Lay your whole life on a shelf - got no one to blame but your own damned self." For a very, very long time I sang those words without realizing how very true they are. It matters very little what is going on in this world as a whole. What matters a lot is what you choose to do with this one life that you've been given. Nobody is responsible for your happiness except for you. Other people and experiences help to enhance our lives. I can't imagine how dull my life would be without my people! The thing is that at the end of the day, if you depend on someone or something to make you happy you are setting yourself up for some pretty great disappointments! Find what makes you happy and do that thing! It could be traveling the world, campaigning for a cause that is dear to your heart, or simply settling into your peaceful little life. You do you.
Now, in the words of the one and only Pat Green - Carry On!
Love to you always,
Sunny
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