"Baby's just a little bit tired of the city - billboards and bullshit got her down"
If you know anything at all about me, you probably know that I love this song. What you may or may not know is that I sing it sometimes. Loudly...and perhaps a bit off key! All of my singing shenanigans are neither here nor there.
My shower thoughts the other day seemed to plow a bit deeper than usual. What? Don't you do your best thinking in the shower?? Anyway, I think maybe my pending "big" birthday may be influencing my thoughts. My age is starting to be more influential in my daily life at this point. I was listening to Roger Creager radio on Pandora while I showered. The station seemed to be on a Sunny style roll that morning. It was a regular trip down memory lane! I was actually kind of enjoying my bad singing and shower dancing, then it hit me. Nostalgia. Ew.
Now don't get me wrong. I think that looking back occasionally isn't necessarily a bad thing as it is a good reminder of where we came from and a great way to notice and appreciate growth. But I also think that we should be cautious about how far we dive into the way back pool. At some point, even the best swimmer will likely drown. Thankfully, I'm a pretty damned strong swimmer! I let my mind walk down memory lane. The tiny portion of my life when I lived in Bandera came back to me. I started yearning for "old times." Then something interesting happened. The clouds started to rear their ugly heads on the horizon. I'd ventured past Bandera into my very own twilight zone.
So what in the hell caused this exactly? I'm not sure. I started missing going to the concerts and the long weekends spent with friends. I thought about the huge hair and the hours spent getting all dolled up to go out on the town. My silly soul missed the fun parts. My mind however remembered something bigger...the ugly, nasty truth. I started reviewing in great detail why funville is no longer where I choose to live my life. No amount of fun can make up for things like self doubt, pretty-on-the-outside relationships, and being lied to and cheated on. Turns out, the fun wasn't all that fun and was actually just a convenient cover for a pretty miserable existence! I didn't like who I was or where I was for that matter!
"Yeah, everybody gotta get away sometime - forget about yourself for a while." For a brief moment, I did just that. I got away. I took a little mental trip. And boy am I glad I did! It gave me a chance to see how very much I've grown! "Sometimes you've got to grab the world with your own two hands - set it spinning off on a course all your own." Have. I. Ever. First, I moved. Across the state. Then, across the country. Know what's cool about taking off and leaving all of the broken bits behind? You gain a completely fresh perspective. You try new things. You GROW!
My life now...man, my life now!! I'm happy. Wait - did you read that? I'M HAPPY! Is my life perfect? Nope! And I absolutely don't give a damn about perfection. Do I whine sometimes? Yep. But, I no longer doubt my every move. I jumped out a window and went back to school - for me! I was brave! I no longer wast my time constantly worrying about another human being's next move and how I will counter said move. That is exhausting work! These days, I go to bed every night with a smile on my face because I've been laughing about something silly with the love of my life. My "fun" looks so amazingly different now and I wouldn't trade a single second of it for anything in the world! I know that I'm loved and I'm safe. And you want to know the coolest part? I'm the one that set my life on the course that it's on. Me. I did it. Just for me!
"Lay your whole life on a shelf - got no one to blame but your own damned self." For a very, very long time I sang those words without realizing how very true they are. It matters very little what is going on in this world as a whole. What matters a lot is what you choose to do with this one life that you've been given. Nobody is responsible for your happiness except for you. Other people and experiences help to enhance our lives. I can't imagine how dull my life would be without my people! The thing is that at the end of the day, if you depend on someone or something to make you happy you are setting yourself up for some pretty great disappointments! Find what makes you happy and do that thing! It could be traveling the world, campaigning for a cause that is dear to your heart, or simply settling into your peaceful little life. You do you.
Now, in the words of the one and only Pat Green - Carry On!
Love to you always,
Sunny
