I am NEVER this open. Ever. But I think that our society likes to bury grief because it's ugly and uncomfortable. We don't know how to process it, and treat it as a piece of gum stuck to the bottom of our shoe that we just want the hell off. So, this is what is on my heart and in my head today. If you have a friend that is hurting, just be there for them. You don't even have to talk or feel pressure to say "the right thing." Just be.
Here is a peek inside of my 7 year old wound...
I was getting off of I35 and onto 1604 in San Antonio when my cell phone rang. I grumbled at my phone - who could possibly be calling when I was exiting on that curvy beast of an exit? I saw the caller ID and smiled.
Me: Hey Daddy!
Him: Are you almost home, little girl?
Me: Yessir. I have about 45 minutes left. (It took me 6 hours to drive from his front door to mine.)
Him: Ok, I just wanted to check on you...it was good to see you...maybe when you come up for Thanksgiving we can go to the boats?
Me: It was good to see you too, Daddy! Of course we can go to the boats! I'm looking forward to it!
Him: I'll let you go so you can concentrate on driving. Be sure to buy Sissy dog a bone with some of your WAM. (Walking Around Money)
Me: Ok Daddy, I will. I'll talk to you soon! I love you!
Him: I love you, too, angel. Bye bye.
Me: Bye Daddy.
That is the last time I ever talked to him. You see, I had gone up for a visit at the end of August in 2010. My Daddy was very ill by that time. He had COPD and had done very little to halt its progress. He hated doctors and was a stubborn as a mule. I knew for a fact that he wasn't remotely well enough to go to the boats (the boats is Texas speak for the casinos in Louisiana). But, that was one of his very favorite things to do. This time, I didn't argue with him or tell him that he needed to get better so he would feel like making the trip like I usually did. I just agreed with him. I lied. I think part of me knew.
Not too long after that, I was in my kitchen in Bandera cooking dinner for Robert when my sister called. My Daddy was gone.
Some days, I'm fine.
Losing your Daddy at the ripe old age of 33 is hard. It's even harder when you don't really have anyone to talk to about it. My family has never been huge on talking things out you see. Instead, you suck it up, slap a smile on your face, and you move on.
Some days, nothing will do to keep the smile in place.
Today is one of those days. You see, my Daddy's birthday is today. And I can't bake him a ridiculous coconut cake or oatmeal raisin cookies or give him a silly card or hug him or tell him I love him or any of those things. For whatever reason, today is hitting me a lot harder than usual. My TimeHop is evidence that in the past, I've celebrated the fact that he shared a birthday with Dr. Seuss and also with Texas Independence Day. There's no celebration in me today. Maybe it's because I've been home alone all week with my thoughts. Maybe it's because I'm approaching a milestone birthday. Who knows. Hell, I'm no psychiatrist.
I guess I said all of that to say this: If you still have the awesome privilege of having your daddy around, please go hug him for me. Tell him you love him.
And if you've lost your daddy, please know that I understand. Some days are ok and you smile or laugh at a passing memory. Then there are the days that you cry for any and every reason. Both of these are perfectly ok.
Grief is in fact a nasty animal. You think it's all cool and just chilling in the corner, then it comes at you full force and flattens you smooth out. I think you have to give yourself days to mourn and cry it out. Today is my day for that.
"The trouble is, you think you have time." Buddha
You do not have time, my friends. Seize every single second that you're given because I assure you that it is a gift.
Love to you always...and I truly do love you.
Sunny
Thursday, March 2, 2017
Saturday, February 4, 2017
Nostalgia is a Creeper
"Baby's just a little bit tired of the city - billboards and bullshit got her down"
If you know anything at all about me, you probably know that I love this song. What you may or may not know is that I sing it sometimes. Loudly...and perhaps a bit off key! All of my singing shenanigans are neither here nor there.
My shower thoughts the other day seemed to plow a bit deeper than usual. What? Don't you do your best thinking in the shower?? Anyway, I think maybe my pending "big" birthday may be influencing my thoughts. My age is starting to be more influential in my daily life at this point. I was listening to Roger Creager radio on Pandora while I showered. The station seemed to be on a Sunny style roll that morning. It was a regular trip down memory lane! I was actually kind of enjoying my bad singing and shower dancing, then it hit me. Nostalgia. Ew.
Now don't get me wrong. I think that looking back occasionally isn't necessarily a bad thing as it is a good reminder of where we came from and a great way to notice and appreciate growth. But I also think that we should be cautious about how far we dive into the way back pool. At some point, even the best swimmer will likely drown. Thankfully, I'm a pretty damned strong swimmer! I let my mind walk down memory lane. The tiny portion of my life when I lived in Bandera came back to me. I started yearning for "old times." Then something interesting happened. The clouds started to rear their ugly heads on the horizon. I'd ventured past Bandera into my very own twilight zone.
So what in the hell caused this exactly? I'm not sure. I started missing going to the concerts and the long weekends spent with friends. I thought about the huge hair and the hours spent getting all dolled up to go out on the town. My silly soul missed the fun parts. My mind however remembered something bigger...the ugly, nasty truth. I started reviewing in great detail why funville is no longer where I choose to live my life. No amount of fun can make up for things like self doubt, pretty-on-the-outside relationships, and being lied to and cheated on. Turns out, the fun wasn't all that fun and was actually just a convenient cover for a pretty miserable existence! I didn't like who I was or where I was for that matter!
"Yeah, everybody gotta get away sometime - forget about yourself for a while." For a brief moment, I did just that. I got away. I took a little mental trip. And boy am I glad I did! It gave me a chance to see how very much I've grown! "Sometimes you've got to grab the world with your own two hands - set it spinning off on a course all your own." Have. I. Ever. First, I moved. Across the state. Then, across the country. Know what's cool about taking off and leaving all of the broken bits behind? You gain a completely fresh perspective. You try new things. You GROW!
My life now...man, my life now!! I'm happy. Wait - did you read that? I'M HAPPY! Is my life perfect? Nope! And I absolutely don't give a damn about perfection. Do I whine sometimes? Yep. But, I no longer doubt my every move. I jumped out a window and went back to school - for me! I was brave! I no longer wast my time constantly worrying about another human being's next move and how I will counter said move. That is exhausting work! These days, I go to bed every night with a smile on my face because I've been laughing about something silly with the love of my life. My "fun" looks so amazingly different now and I wouldn't trade a single second of it for anything in the world! I know that I'm loved and I'm safe. And you want to know the coolest part? I'm the one that set my life on the course that it's on. Me. I did it. Just for me!
"Lay your whole life on a shelf - got no one to blame but your own damned self." For a very, very long time I sang those words without realizing how very true they are. It matters very little what is going on in this world as a whole. What matters a lot is what you choose to do with this one life that you've been given. Nobody is responsible for your happiness except for you. Other people and experiences help to enhance our lives. I can't imagine how dull my life would be without my people! The thing is that at the end of the day, if you depend on someone or something to make you happy you are setting yourself up for some pretty great disappointments! Find what makes you happy and do that thing! It could be traveling the world, campaigning for a cause that is dear to your heart, or simply settling into your peaceful little life. You do you.
Now, in the words of the one and only Pat Green - Carry On!
Love to you always,
Sunny
If you know anything at all about me, you probably know that I love this song. What you may or may not know is that I sing it sometimes. Loudly...and perhaps a bit off key! All of my singing shenanigans are neither here nor there.
My shower thoughts the other day seemed to plow a bit deeper than usual. What? Don't you do your best thinking in the shower?? Anyway, I think maybe my pending "big" birthday may be influencing my thoughts. My age is starting to be more influential in my daily life at this point. I was listening to Roger Creager radio on Pandora while I showered. The station seemed to be on a Sunny style roll that morning. It was a regular trip down memory lane! I was actually kind of enjoying my bad singing and shower dancing, then it hit me. Nostalgia. Ew.
Now don't get me wrong. I think that looking back occasionally isn't necessarily a bad thing as it is a good reminder of where we came from and a great way to notice and appreciate growth. But I also think that we should be cautious about how far we dive into the way back pool. At some point, even the best swimmer will likely drown. Thankfully, I'm a pretty damned strong swimmer! I let my mind walk down memory lane. The tiny portion of my life when I lived in Bandera came back to me. I started yearning for "old times." Then something interesting happened. The clouds started to rear their ugly heads on the horizon. I'd ventured past Bandera into my very own twilight zone.
So what in the hell caused this exactly? I'm not sure. I started missing going to the concerts and the long weekends spent with friends. I thought about the huge hair and the hours spent getting all dolled up to go out on the town. My silly soul missed the fun parts. My mind however remembered something bigger...the ugly, nasty truth. I started reviewing in great detail why funville is no longer where I choose to live my life. No amount of fun can make up for things like self doubt, pretty-on-the-outside relationships, and being lied to and cheated on. Turns out, the fun wasn't all that fun and was actually just a convenient cover for a pretty miserable existence! I didn't like who I was or where I was for that matter!
"Yeah, everybody gotta get away sometime - forget about yourself for a while." For a brief moment, I did just that. I got away. I took a little mental trip. And boy am I glad I did! It gave me a chance to see how very much I've grown! "Sometimes you've got to grab the world with your own two hands - set it spinning off on a course all your own." Have. I. Ever. First, I moved. Across the state. Then, across the country. Know what's cool about taking off and leaving all of the broken bits behind? You gain a completely fresh perspective. You try new things. You GROW!
My life now...man, my life now!! I'm happy. Wait - did you read that? I'M HAPPY! Is my life perfect? Nope! And I absolutely don't give a damn about perfection. Do I whine sometimes? Yep. But, I no longer doubt my every move. I jumped out a window and went back to school - for me! I was brave! I no longer wast my time constantly worrying about another human being's next move and how I will counter said move. That is exhausting work! These days, I go to bed every night with a smile on my face because I've been laughing about something silly with the love of my life. My "fun" looks so amazingly different now and I wouldn't trade a single second of it for anything in the world! I know that I'm loved and I'm safe. And you want to know the coolest part? I'm the one that set my life on the course that it's on. Me. I did it. Just for me!
"Lay your whole life on a shelf - got no one to blame but your own damned self." For a very, very long time I sang those words without realizing how very true they are. It matters very little what is going on in this world as a whole. What matters a lot is what you choose to do with this one life that you've been given. Nobody is responsible for your happiness except for you. Other people and experiences help to enhance our lives. I can't imagine how dull my life would be without my people! The thing is that at the end of the day, if you depend on someone or something to make you happy you are setting yourself up for some pretty great disappointments! Find what makes you happy and do that thing! It could be traveling the world, campaigning for a cause that is dear to your heart, or simply settling into your peaceful little life. You do you.
Now, in the words of the one and only Pat Green - Carry On!
Love to you always,
Sunny
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
Why I will always be 10
The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupery is my very favorite book of all time. I've owned and misplaced many copies over the years, and it currently resides on my Nook. Every now and again, I read it from start to finish as if it were the first time. Yes, it is a "children's" book.
In this book that was written by a French author for children, there are several lessons to be learned. Yes, I know. This lesson teaching business is a common theme in books that are intended for children. I think that it is no coincidence that this simple book has been translated into just about every known language. For those of you who are not familiar with this book, the main character is a Little Prince that lives alone on a tiny planet. He spends his days tending his volcanoes, keeping the baobabs at bay, and enjoying as many sunrises as he pleases. One day, a plant that turns out to be a rose grows on his planet. Unfortunately, the rose is very vain and needy. She starts to take over his life and one day he decides that he's had enough of her. Even though he loves her very, very much, her demands are too taxing on his kindness and he leaves to go explore the planets around him.
On his journey, he meets several adults and learns about matters of consequence. Adults are always concerned with matters of consequence! Children want to know things about their friends like what their favorite color is, what games they like to play, and what their favorite flower is. Adults want to know what you do for work, how much money you make, and how much your house and car cost. (There is so very much more to the story, but I'll let you read it for yourself.) The whole concept is kind of messed up if you think about it. What have we become?
Recently, I have discovered some things about myself. I learned that playing games with my friends at lunch makes for a much better work day. We laugh and act as if we have no cares, if only for an hour. I learned that I'm able to find the bright spot in a nasty situation. When my checking account was emptied without my consent by a thief, I decided to focus on what was good. I have someone that loves me enough to know that feeding me Mexican food can make just about anything better. I also have food to eat, gas in my car, a roof over my head, and a job where I can earn a pay check. A week with an empty checking account is seriously not going to kill me. It could absolutely, positively be worse. What if I had no support system and that money was to pay my rent or buy groceries to feed a child? There are people that are literally a single missed check away from having nothing left at all.
Despite everything that is going on in this nasty, mean world of ours, I still believe that there are good people out there. People that care and want this world to be better. See, that's the part of me that's still 10 years old. At this point I'm certain that it always will be. I still have faith. I still carry around this head full of crazy fairy tales and hope that they'll come true. Laughter and silliness still thrill my heart, and a random hug can completely make my day. Little things like seeing a groundhog or a yard full of lightning bugs make me smile and put a strange feeling peace in my heart. Somehow, some way, there's bound to be a way that everything will work out. Love will eventually win. Right?
"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye." Antoine de Saint Exupery
My sincere hope is that maybe we can all start seeing with our hearts and stop trying to see so much with our eyes. I beg of you - please find your 10 year old self. Tell them that love and silliness are essential. Hug them and allow them to embrace the beauty that is around us every single day. You are forever responsible for that which you have tamed.
Love. Always.
Sunny
In this book that was written by a French author for children, there are several lessons to be learned. Yes, I know. This lesson teaching business is a common theme in books that are intended for children. I think that it is no coincidence that this simple book has been translated into just about every known language. For those of you who are not familiar with this book, the main character is a Little Prince that lives alone on a tiny planet. He spends his days tending his volcanoes, keeping the baobabs at bay, and enjoying as many sunrises as he pleases. One day, a plant that turns out to be a rose grows on his planet. Unfortunately, the rose is very vain and needy. She starts to take over his life and one day he decides that he's had enough of her. Even though he loves her very, very much, her demands are too taxing on his kindness and he leaves to go explore the planets around him.
On his journey, he meets several adults and learns about matters of consequence. Adults are always concerned with matters of consequence! Children want to know things about their friends like what their favorite color is, what games they like to play, and what their favorite flower is. Adults want to know what you do for work, how much money you make, and how much your house and car cost. (There is so very much more to the story, but I'll let you read it for yourself.) The whole concept is kind of messed up if you think about it. What have we become?
Recently, I have discovered some things about myself. I learned that playing games with my friends at lunch makes for a much better work day. We laugh and act as if we have no cares, if only for an hour. I learned that I'm able to find the bright spot in a nasty situation. When my checking account was emptied without my consent by a thief, I decided to focus on what was good. I have someone that loves me enough to know that feeding me Mexican food can make just about anything better. I also have food to eat, gas in my car, a roof over my head, and a job where I can earn a pay check. A week with an empty checking account is seriously not going to kill me. It could absolutely, positively be worse. What if I had no support system and that money was to pay my rent or buy groceries to feed a child? There are people that are literally a single missed check away from having nothing left at all.
Despite everything that is going on in this nasty, mean world of ours, I still believe that there are good people out there. People that care and want this world to be better. See, that's the part of me that's still 10 years old. At this point I'm certain that it always will be. I still have faith. I still carry around this head full of crazy fairy tales and hope that they'll come true. Laughter and silliness still thrill my heart, and a random hug can completely make my day. Little things like seeing a groundhog or a yard full of lightning bugs make me smile and put a strange feeling peace in my heart. Somehow, some way, there's bound to be a way that everything will work out. Love will eventually win. Right?
"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye." Antoine de Saint Exupery
My sincere hope is that maybe we can all start seeing with our hearts and stop trying to see so much with our eyes. I beg of you - please find your 10 year old self. Tell them that love and silliness are essential. Hug them and allow them to embrace the beauty that is around us every single day. You are forever responsible for that which you have tamed.
Love. Always.
Sunny
Thursday, June 16, 2016
Celebrate!
With every crazy thing that's going on in the world, I want to share a conversation that has stuck with me with you. I was greatly inspired and touched, and I hope that I can properly relay to you what I'm feeling!
A couple of days before this last Christmas, one of my students who is Hindu was getting ready to leave and hugged me and wished me a merry Christmas. I smiled and returned the greeting...then I asked if she celebrated Christmas. Her response resonated with my heart and is still reverberating in there as I type this right now. She smiled and in her very thick accent, said very simply, "I celebrate EVERYTHING!" What?? I chuckled and questioned her enthusiastic response. She went on to explain that she lived in a very diverse neighborhood with people from all over the word. The people in this neighborhood literally celebrate everything! She said to me, "ALL of the celebrations and festivals are beautiful, and I have learned so much about the different people in the world! We have cuisine from every place on earth and we celebrate our differences."
Now hold on...people from all different religions, different cultures, different places embrace each other and celebrate with each other? In a tiny corner of the world here in the good 'ol USA, people are accepting and celebrating each other! I've always said that just because I may not agree with what someone believes, there's no reason that I can't love them just the same.
We are so quick to judge others and it breaks my heart. The vicious judgement runs rampant - from one political party to the other, religion vs. religion, lifestyle vs. lifestyle, parents vs. parents...I think you can see where I'm going here. I've thought a lot about what is going on in the world recently. I'm ashamed of the human race as a result. Here we have this beautiful planet to live on and we kill each other, hate each other, criticize each other, abuse the animals here, and take whatever we please without giving back.
I hate to be cliche, but can't we all just get along? What do you suppose would happen if we started loving each other? If we saw people in need, no matter how small the need, and actually helped? Can you imagine the power we would have if we lifted each other up and supported one another instead of tearing each other down? We all make mistakes...whether we choose to admit it or not. Could it be possible to forgive and forget and simply move on?
Choosing love instead of hate is a pretty simple thing. You absolutely do not have to agree with someone to love them. I challenge you to do one thing nice for someone in the coming days. Give someone a hug when they need it. Write (yes, with pen and paper) someone a quick note to let them know that they're doing a great job - at anything! Compliment someone and actually mean it. Pay for the guy behind you in line at the coffee shop. Give someone a grocery store bouquet of flowers. Get the idea? Kindness doesn't cost a thing - let's spread it everywhere!
I wish you love in your thoughts, love in your words, and love in your heart!
Always,
Sunny XOXO
A couple of days before this last Christmas, one of my students who is Hindu was getting ready to leave and hugged me and wished me a merry Christmas. I smiled and returned the greeting...then I asked if she celebrated Christmas. Her response resonated with my heart and is still reverberating in there as I type this right now. She smiled and in her very thick accent, said very simply, "I celebrate EVERYTHING!" What?? I chuckled and questioned her enthusiastic response. She went on to explain that she lived in a very diverse neighborhood with people from all over the word. The people in this neighborhood literally celebrate everything! She said to me, "ALL of the celebrations and festivals are beautiful, and I have learned so much about the different people in the world! We have cuisine from every place on earth and we celebrate our differences."
Now hold on...people from all different religions, different cultures, different places embrace each other and celebrate with each other? In a tiny corner of the world here in the good 'ol USA, people are accepting and celebrating each other! I've always said that just because I may not agree with what someone believes, there's no reason that I can't love them just the same.
We are so quick to judge others and it breaks my heart. The vicious judgement runs rampant - from one political party to the other, religion vs. religion, lifestyle vs. lifestyle, parents vs. parents...I think you can see where I'm going here. I've thought a lot about what is going on in the world recently. I'm ashamed of the human race as a result. Here we have this beautiful planet to live on and we kill each other, hate each other, criticize each other, abuse the animals here, and take whatever we please without giving back.
I hate to be cliche, but can't we all just get along? What do you suppose would happen if we started loving each other? If we saw people in need, no matter how small the need, and actually helped? Can you imagine the power we would have if we lifted each other up and supported one another instead of tearing each other down? We all make mistakes...whether we choose to admit it or not. Could it be possible to forgive and forget and simply move on?
Choosing love instead of hate is a pretty simple thing. You absolutely do not have to agree with someone to love them. I challenge you to do one thing nice for someone in the coming days. Give someone a hug when they need it. Write (yes, with pen and paper) someone a quick note to let them know that they're doing a great job - at anything! Compliment someone and actually mean it. Pay for the guy behind you in line at the coffee shop. Give someone a grocery store bouquet of flowers. Get the idea? Kindness doesn't cost a thing - let's spread it everywhere!
I wish you love in your thoughts, love in your words, and love in your heart!
Always,
Sunny XOXO
Monday, November 16, 2015
That fleeting moment
There's this tiny moment every fall that you'll miss if you aren't paying very close attention. The leaves put on their very best colors for their final curtain call of the season, then they throw themselves recklessly to the ground. That's when my very favorite moment occurs. That very second when the leaves on the ground mirror the exact color of the ones that are still clinging to the trees. It looks like the most fabulously planned confetti throw that has ever happened. I swear it only lasts for about 15 minutes. And by now, where I live anyway, that moment has passed. The leaves on the ground are all brown and crunchy. Some have been swept into piles awaiting the truck that drives around and sucks them all up. And the beautiful show that covers the last of the summery green grass has gone.
With all of the craziness that is happening around us, I wonder how many people slow down long enough to appreciate the shows that are put on for us every day. Have you noticed that there are still beautiful things happening around us? A cold, wet dog nose nudging you so that you'll love on their furry ears. Some stranger with a cart full of groceries letting you check out first with your carton of milk and tub of hummus. A teacher that holds a student while they cry over a heartbreak in their life. The crazy little purple flower that has decided to bloom as it seems to have no idea that the temperature is dropping. People that pray, send positive energy or healing vibes to those that are hurting because they don't know what else to do.
With the recent terrorist attacks in France, I've noticed a lot of people that are "Praying for Paris" and "Praying for Peace." Equally, I have noticed an equal number of people that are furious because these people "aren't praying for the right thing" and "seem to be forgetting what happened in (insert location here)." To the ones that are criticizing...have you ever stopped to think that maybe the person praying or sending energy is frightened and doesn't know what else to do? Do you realize that not everyone can just pick up a weapon and charge head first after a terrorist? And you there - behind your keyboard - what is it that YOU are doing besides criticizing someone that only means to spread good and desperately wants to stop the hatred?
I know - I'm behind a keyboard as well. But I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I am going to continue to scratch my dog's furry ears. She has no idea what is going on in the world, and she needs my love daily just as I need hers. I am going to continue to show love to people around me. Sometimes that means planning ahead so that the man doesn't have to come home and cook himself dinner after he's worked all day. It also means taking the time to bake a batch of cookies for my adult students who have struggles of their own to deal with. I will hug my co-workers because hugs keep us sane some days. I will be present and engaged even as I go about my daily life. It's amazing what you can learn just by smiling at and talking to people at a grocery store! The list could go on forever...but I have work to do.
We don't know when our time is going to be up. While we're here, why not show love and grace? When we show hatred and spew venom, evil wins. I refuse to let evil win. I refuse to let those fleeting moments pass me by without me noticing them. I want to soak in every single good moment this life has to offer so that when my ticket is up I can fully believe that I lived a good life and I have a million good memories. Every laugh, every crinkled nose, every hug, every waggy dog tail, every kitty purr, every shared meal, every helping hand, every show that nature puts on for us...those are the good things. Did you notice that none of those are things you can buy in a store? Can't we all agree to let love win? What was it I heard about "divided we fall?" If we, the ones who want peace, unite against the few who want evil just imagine what we might be able to accomplish! Don't let those fleeting moments pass you by! If you pray, continue to pray. If you send positive energy or healing vibes, continue with these practices. Just keep exuding love!
"If it's not love, stop doing it. Don't change for anybody." Horst Rechelbacher
My best to you always,
Sunny
With all of the craziness that is happening around us, I wonder how many people slow down long enough to appreciate the shows that are put on for us every day. Have you noticed that there are still beautiful things happening around us? A cold, wet dog nose nudging you so that you'll love on their furry ears. Some stranger with a cart full of groceries letting you check out first with your carton of milk and tub of hummus. A teacher that holds a student while they cry over a heartbreak in their life. The crazy little purple flower that has decided to bloom as it seems to have no idea that the temperature is dropping. People that pray, send positive energy or healing vibes to those that are hurting because they don't know what else to do.
With the recent terrorist attacks in France, I've noticed a lot of people that are "Praying for Paris" and "Praying for Peace." Equally, I have noticed an equal number of people that are furious because these people "aren't praying for the right thing" and "seem to be forgetting what happened in (insert location here)." To the ones that are criticizing...have you ever stopped to think that maybe the person praying or sending energy is frightened and doesn't know what else to do? Do you realize that not everyone can just pick up a weapon and charge head first after a terrorist? And you there - behind your keyboard - what is it that YOU are doing besides criticizing someone that only means to spread good and desperately wants to stop the hatred?
I know - I'm behind a keyboard as well. But I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I am going to continue to scratch my dog's furry ears. She has no idea what is going on in the world, and she needs my love daily just as I need hers. I am going to continue to show love to people around me. Sometimes that means planning ahead so that the man doesn't have to come home and cook himself dinner after he's worked all day. It also means taking the time to bake a batch of cookies for my adult students who have struggles of their own to deal with. I will hug my co-workers because hugs keep us sane some days. I will be present and engaged even as I go about my daily life. It's amazing what you can learn just by smiling at and talking to people at a grocery store! The list could go on forever...but I have work to do.
We don't know when our time is going to be up. While we're here, why not show love and grace? When we show hatred and spew venom, evil wins. I refuse to let evil win. I refuse to let those fleeting moments pass me by without me noticing them. I want to soak in every single good moment this life has to offer so that when my ticket is up I can fully believe that I lived a good life and I have a million good memories. Every laugh, every crinkled nose, every hug, every waggy dog tail, every kitty purr, every shared meal, every helping hand, every show that nature puts on for us...those are the good things. Did you notice that none of those are things you can buy in a store? Can't we all agree to let love win? What was it I heard about "divided we fall?" If we, the ones who want peace, unite against the few who want evil just imagine what we might be able to accomplish! Don't let those fleeting moments pass you by! If you pray, continue to pray. If you send positive energy or healing vibes, continue with these practices. Just keep exuding love!
"If it's not love, stop doing it. Don't change for anybody." Horst Rechelbacher
My best to you always,
Sunny
Monday, February 28, 2011
Things I've Learned
This past week has been a whirlwind of activity. And it’s brought some things to my attention. Number one, it’s amazing what you’ll do when you finally find what you’ve been searching for in this world. You’ll leave things you thought you loved, and you’ll travel great lengths. When you choose to do things like these, people in your life tend to have very strong reactions. You do know that what you do with your life is everyone else’s business…don’t you? Now, let’s not get this confused. I want to be very clear. I don’t for one minute mind genuine concern. I actually appreciate it. It’s nothing that I wouldn’t express if someone I held dear to me decided to do something drastic in their life. Further, I don’t mind support and/or encouragement. I truly appreciate that more than I can put into words. What I have a hard time processing, however, is when people judge what they don’t understand. When they choose to hurl nasty words about people that they’ve literally spent less than an hour with ever – I’m genuinely baffled.
Now, I have to give some examples of what I’ve learned in the past year of my life. I realize that to some people, I’m still young and stupid. I have an old soul, and I’m quite a thinker, so listen up. Someone told me something that I found to be very true not too awfully long ago. “There’s no such thing as a Kleenex that’s too soggy to hold when it’s for a good enough friend.” Now, I’m paraphrasing a bit because I’ve slept since that was said to me. But the point is this – when you love someone enough, you’ll do anything for them. This includes holding their soggy Kleenex and handing them freshly folded ones as needed. Some things, we couldn’t bear to face without friends like that in our lives. Then there’s the friend that you see every now and again, but they’re always there for you when your life goes to crap. I never, ever discount this sort of friend. And just because we’re not together constantly doesn’t mean that I love them any less. Then there’s the friend that knows how to break through your hard candy coating and get to the gooey marshmallow middle. This friend will do things like hold your hand and read you a Dr. Suess book when they find out that you’re moving. And hug you hard when your day has gone to hell, or when your heart gets broken – again. I do have one friend that has been my friend since I was 13 years old. Through the years, we’ve shared a lot. Gains, losses, secrets, hysterical laughter…and when I do something that most people would consider nutso, this friend simply wishes me happiness and tells me that if things go south and I end up shattered, people will disappear this time. Then there’s the boss that you honestly love with all of your heart that listens to you and actually cares what happens in your life outside of work. And don’t forget the coworkers that become your surrogate family. Oh - and the one that you spend a healthy 30 hours a week with that is your counselor, friend, gentle critic, sounding board, and voice of reason.
I’m of the extremely firm persuasion that everything that happens in our lives happens for a reason. We may not know what the reason is immediately. For that matter, we may never know the reason. Some things aren’t ours to know. I also believe that every single person – good or bad – that comes through our lives comes through for a reason. I have the most amazingly fantastic luck. I’m blessed. I’m fortunate. However you choose to say it, I have met the most incredible assortment of people in my short 33 years on this planet. Every single person I’ve encountered in my life has taught me a lesson. I’ve learned that you can be friends with someone for years and trust them with your life, and they might turn around and totally demolish your life without warning. When that happens, you’ll find the strength to pick yourself up and start over. It’s not easy to do, but the rewards are countless! I learned how to take care of myself for the first time in my life. And I learned that there are lots of serious assholes in this world. Then came the revelation that – are you ready for this?? – you actually have to trust people! I know. It’s hard to fathom. Trust is hard to re-learn when yours has been betrayed. And wow – when you do realize that you can actually trust some folks here and there, it’s beyond liberating! I also learned that even though you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that someone loves you, sometimes they will completely break your heart with awful, hateful words. You still love them in spite of this, but it doesn’t make the pain any less real. When this occurs, it tends to make me clam up. I stop sharing because my words get twisted and used as ammunition against me. The lesson here is that we need to be careful who we drop our guard with. Support doesn’t always come from those that you need it from the most.
I said all of that to say this –
Thank you to all of the wonderful people that are in my life, and those that have passed through. I have learned something from each and every one of you. Thank you for being harsh, kind, hateful, loving, and supportive. I even appreciate the breaks in my heart that have occurred along the way. Thank you for being my friends, showing me love and reminding me that I can do whatever I set my mind to. I love you for being in my life – regardless of the capacity. I am stronger, braver, kinder, and a generally better person because of you.
All of my love,
Sunny
Monday, December 13, 2010
Huh?
Yesterday, I walked a woman out onto the porch of the store and I noticed the Bradford Pear tree that resides beside Arthur. (Arthur is a giant, iron camel that sits in front of the store.) Almost all of its leaves are gone, save a few little red ones that are scarcely hanging on at all anymore. In the spring, this tree is covered in tiny, white blossoms. It looks like something out of a fairytale with all of its tiny green buds popping out from their winter covers. Then, as the summer rolls in, the white petals of those precious little flowers flutter in the breeze like some crazy breed of snowflake. All through the summer, that tree is about the greenest thing on the creek. Even when everything else is brown and the grass sounds like you're walking on Fritos, that tree is still showing off. When the weather starts cooling off in the fall, its leaves turn the most brilliant shade of orangey red. I've had a bit of a love affair with this tree over the past couple of years. It seems to remind me that there's always a bit of beauty around the corner despite the chaos that might be swirling around me.
This year, I missed the beautiful show that the tree displays when the air starts to chill. I'm not sure that I know where I was when she began to blush. I don't know what was so important in my world that persuaded me to ignore my leafy friend. Now, her branches are almost bare. While I appreciate the beauty of her naked branches, I despise the fact that I missed the opportunity to watch her display her amazing, fiery red show. It made me a bit melancholy when I came to this realization.
Unfortunately, this isn't the first time I've been so busy with my oh so important life that I've missed something. What gives me the right to have such tunnel vision? Absolutely nothing. I have the right to seek out a content existence and be happy in this life, but I do not have the right to disregard everyone and everything else on the entire planet while doing so.
Now, Christmas is right around the corner. I spent last night wrapping a few gifts and enjoying a couple of glasses of good wine. I've not been a huge fan of Christmas in the commercial sense for the majority of my adult life. I get what it's supposed to be all about, and I fully appreciate that. What I'm not a huge fan of is all of the buying and wanting and scurrying about in order to live up to some ridiculous standard that heaven only knows can't ever be met. My daddy always said that he didn't care about the gifts and all of the bustle, as long as we were all together. All he ever wanted was for everyone in our family to sit down to a nice dinner together and enjoy each other. I'll never get to have dinner with my daddy again, and I'll miss that for the rest of my life. I won't have Christmas with my family this year, just as I didn't have Thanksgiving with them. I saw them mid November, sure. But it just wasn't the same. And this year, I'll have Christmas dinner with my adopted Bandera family again. My adopted family has helped me keep my sanity over the past couple of years. And Kim is the best cheerleader I could ask for. No matter how ridiculous my life gets, she always has mimosas and a good laugh ready to go for me.
I guess what I'm saying is that the people and things that we love most in this life can and will disappear without warning. I'm starting my New Year's resolution list early this year. Well, I guess I don't have a list to speak of really, maybe just the one thing. Beginning now, I'm putting my very important life on the back burner. The things that have been brushed aside are my top priority. I will not let another day pass without noticing what my favorite tree is up to. Further, I will love the people that I am so blessed to have in my life with everything that I've got. I hope that all of you will do the same, and maybe realize that none of us take enough time to stop and smell the roses - to be quite cliche. Take the time, show the "I love you's" instead of just saying them, and love with reckless abandon. I wish each and every one of you a very merry Christmas, and a heart filled with wonder like that of a child. All of my love!
Sunny
This year, I missed the beautiful show that the tree displays when the air starts to chill. I'm not sure that I know where I was when she began to blush. I don't know what was so important in my world that persuaded me to ignore my leafy friend. Now, her branches are almost bare. While I appreciate the beauty of her naked branches, I despise the fact that I missed the opportunity to watch her display her amazing, fiery red show. It made me a bit melancholy when I came to this realization.
Unfortunately, this isn't the first time I've been so busy with my oh so important life that I've missed something. What gives me the right to have such tunnel vision? Absolutely nothing. I have the right to seek out a content existence and be happy in this life, but I do not have the right to disregard everyone and everything else on the entire planet while doing so.
Now, Christmas is right around the corner. I spent last night wrapping a few gifts and enjoying a couple of glasses of good wine. I've not been a huge fan of Christmas in the commercial sense for the majority of my adult life. I get what it's supposed to be all about, and I fully appreciate that. What I'm not a huge fan of is all of the buying and wanting and scurrying about in order to live up to some ridiculous standard that heaven only knows can't ever be met. My daddy always said that he didn't care about the gifts and all of the bustle, as long as we were all together. All he ever wanted was for everyone in our family to sit down to a nice dinner together and enjoy each other. I'll never get to have dinner with my daddy again, and I'll miss that for the rest of my life. I won't have Christmas with my family this year, just as I didn't have Thanksgiving with them. I saw them mid November, sure. But it just wasn't the same. And this year, I'll have Christmas dinner with my adopted Bandera family again. My adopted family has helped me keep my sanity over the past couple of years. And Kim is the best cheerleader I could ask for. No matter how ridiculous my life gets, she always has mimosas and a good laugh ready to go for me.
I guess what I'm saying is that the people and things that we love most in this life can and will disappear without warning. I'm starting my New Year's resolution list early this year. Well, I guess I don't have a list to speak of really, maybe just the one thing. Beginning now, I'm putting my very important life on the back burner. The things that have been brushed aside are my top priority. I will not let another day pass without noticing what my favorite tree is up to. Further, I will love the people that I am so blessed to have in my life with everything that I've got. I hope that all of you will do the same, and maybe realize that none of us take enough time to stop and smell the roses - to be quite cliche. Take the time, show the "I love you's" instead of just saying them, and love with reckless abandon. I wish each and every one of you a very merry Christmas, and a heart filled with wonder like that of a child. All of my love!
Sunny
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